You know you have arrived at “a certain age”, when there are interesting new features introduced into your yearly medical exam.
By way of set up, when my most recent exam was scheduled, my personal physician, Dr. Newman, had retired. I was set up with a replacement, a Dr. Colah. I asked if he had the same specialty as Dr. Newman. They have similar clinical experience, I was told, but somewhat different philosophies.
So the exam began:
“Do you know what time it is?”
“Good question, Doc. It’s 3 o’clock and this exam was supposed to be at 1:30. Do you know what time it is?”
“Please draw a clock on this piece of paper.”
Doc, I don’t need to draw a clock, See, I’ve got a watch. That’s how I know you are an hour and a half late for this appointment.”
“What city and state are we in?”
“Dr. Colah, I’m beginning to worry about you. Let me help you out, I’m the patient and you’re the doctor. See, you’ve got a stethoscope and everything.”
“Please count backwards from 100, using only prime numbers.”
“Gosh, I’ve never been good on the primes. But, during my career, I did develop the ability to instantly divide any number by 3. Try me.”
“Can you go shopping for groceries or clothes without someone to help?”
“Not according to my wife.”
“Can you prepare your own meals?”
“See answer to prior question. But these are both long standing conditions, I have been told.”
“How long?’
“Not sure. I often forget our wedding anniversary.”
“Oh, dear. Poor long-term memory.”
“Well, to be fair, I think my wife has forgotten the date as well. I’d be reminded of our anniversary every year, when I’d find my wife bent over our marriage license with a magnifying glass, while a tear ran down her cheek. About 10 years ago, I think she gave up.”
Let’s move on.”
“Doc, let me help you by answering the next one: Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.”
“That wasn’t going to be my question. Name 3 unrelated objects.”
“Judge Fresard, Judge Grant and Judge Viviano.”
“That’s wrong. They are all judges.”
“Yes, but they aren’t related, and they are all in different Circuits. Try to keep up, Doc.
“Do you have a fear of falling?”
“Yes.”
“You do?”
“Gee, Doc, I’ve been a PI attorney for 40 years.”
“Really? So, if you’re an attorney, let me ask you this one. ‘The attorney is my brother,’ testified the accountant. But the attorney testified he did not have a brother. Who is lying?”
“Everybody is. Sorry, force of habit. I don’t know.”
“Well, based on my experience, I will give you full credit for the first answer. Also acceptable is: ‘neither one, because the accountant was his sister.’ So, as a PI attorney, did you do plaintiff or defense work?”
“Plaintiff, mostly.”
“Oh, dear. Bad answer. Well, that makes this appointment a lot more fun for me.”
“I did finish my litigating career as a defense attorney. Does that help?”
“Sadly, no. But there is some good news. I can tell you that based on my seeing you walk into the office from the parking lot, and hop onto the exam table, you have no physical limitations.”
“Good to hear, though there isn’t a window in this office, and I was on the exam table when you came in.”
“Force of habit. What do you do now?”
“I am a certified mediator. But, who ain’t?”
“We’ll soon put an end to that. Who was elected President in 2022?”
“Hey, Doc, not fair. I know a trick question when I hear one. Now, let me ask you one. If a tin whistle is made of tin, what’s a foghorn made of? And, while we are at it, I have some questions for you about my last statement from this office. I’ll make it easy on you. We can stop at column “jj”.
“Nurse!! Better yet, Security!!!”
All the world loves a wise ass. The good news is, though there was actually no physical exam of any sort, I can go to work as a bricklayer tomorrow. On the other hand, I now had three new prescriptions (sedatives, mostly) and an appointment with a cognitive therapist next week.
